Queer women are usually right down to truly enter it as to what we *mean* once we explore
‘topping’ or ‘bottoming’
— so might be we! Which is why we performed
an entire detailed review
of y’all on the topic a few years back, carrying out the evaluation about what y’all indicate as soon as you speak about
, and
a lot more
. As always seems to be the situation with us, though, it felt like there is more to plan right here. It doesn’t matter how a lot review information we collect, it’s tough to access the way these ideas play call at the actual life, and exactly how two people utilizing the same words for themselves might embody all of them extremely differently. It felt like the only method to actually check out how that plays around was to, you are sure that, speak to one another — so here’s a number of talks among like staffers trying to get to your bottom of just what queer intimate dynamics imply within genuine lives.

This talk was around exploring the concern of:

Exactly how perhaps you have described (or perhaps not) the part in the long run? Features it changed, do you in the beginning think you “were” one thing and from now on you ID in different ways? Just how did that sense and exactly what achieved it raise up? How do you ID today, and where do you really see it included in that ~ journey ~?


In my opinion while we realized just what topping and bottoming was quite early in “being queer,” it did not happen to us to even ID as one until when I got separated at 28 and dedicated to relaxed relationship with ladies and trans individuals of varying sexes – before it decided since I had been internet dating both females and cis men and was generally in long-term interactions it failed to feel as related — similar to i recently did whatever worked where connection. I do believe in addition had a great deal to do with young people and insecurity, however, because I do believe I’d ID typically similar (as a leading) today despite commitment condition.

I am additionally recognizing upon considering it that while I now nearly exclusively leading and ID as a result, for some time long time We expressed me to other people as a ‘top-leaning switch’ – i believe a leading identification thought so huge and amazing and overwhelming to me that it decided something I experienced to earn, or like if I advertised after that it i’d disappoint sexual partners. Not sure what Ii believed forced me to a lot more of a “real” finest or “only” a premier – performed I think I needed more experience? That clothes must be much more masc-presenting? That i will only be sex in specific means? Ambiguous in my opinion today! But in all honesty, just what forced me to more confident in contacting myself a leading indeed was actually having more sex – noticing that I just about exclusively desired to peak as I performed have intercourse, and had much better sex with more appropriate lovers while I ended up being obvious about this — in addition to that my personal associates did actually feel just like I found myself significantly more than adequate at it.


We often write-in methods tends to be regarded as prone, but currently talking about this seems vulnerable in a manner I really tend to stay away from. Thus I regarded not participating! But I decided that perhaps many people would get a hold of what I have to state relatable and that I’m a goddamn character very here we go.

I really have trouble with this question and these labels. A year ago as I ended up being freshly unmarried and online dating in queer area for the first time I believed really committed to finding out which tag fit me. We agonized on it plenty. I know topping and bottoming outside cis homosexual male spaces isn’t just about certain functions, but I thought — and feel — like my identification is difficult as a trans woman with a penis who does not have that dick easily had extra money. That is certainly really just one regarding the issues. Additionally the truth that before transitioning I became topping because as a cishet male that has been that was anticipated of me. Therefore just last year I was thinking really fine subsequently maybe i am a bottom. But that never thought right both. But made it happen maybe not feel proper because There isn’t a pussy? Did it maybe not feel right because I’m not accustomed it? Or in the morning I just a premier? But what’s anticipated of a trans girl top? I feel just like the assumption is actually — and has already been— i might be drilling someone with my cock which is not at all something i do want to carry out excluding very rare circumstances. Personally I think like the majority of trans ladies i understand are very loudly and with pride soles or surfaces and have these clarity as to what this means in their eyes aside from their particular relationship to their unique genitalia. Also it makes myself very jealous! Finally I gave up on this journey and made a decision to only contact me a switch. But actually that feels incorrect, because when We have intercourse I am not always attentive to topping or bottoming unless the person I’m sex with is really demonstrably one or even the additional.

My personal finest intimate experiences have actually diverse thus widely re: gender acts and dynamics. In my opinion with each brand new individual — and really each brand-new time with each person! — i simply need to fulfill as two-bodies seeking satisfaction and connection with both? And I cannot declare that to imply like I’m above these brands or anything. Indeed, whether it is after surgery and/or before I fully plan to resemble “my. lol keep in mind once I was youthful and foolish and did not realize I was a BLANK.” I recently have no idea exactly what that blank is. Will there be a test I am able to simply take? A Buzzfeed test? Could be helpful. tysm!

Rachel, unless you mind revealing, precisely what does being a high indicate for you? Also settled in this identity and dynamic will it mean different things to you based your spouse?


I am able to try to, yeah! With the same caveat that like, this doesn’t feel fixed and it seems really feasible i could review back with this in a-year and feel/say something different? I do believe nowadays it indicates most concretely that i feel most comfortable and enthusiastic about ‘doing to’ my personal sex partners versus having such a thing completed to myself, and often even though my intimate associates really want to shag me or go-down on me or etc etc, I believe at the best merely medium thinking about getting that, and a lot of of that time not necessarily anyway interested. In a very meaningful good sense that becomes much more at love, everything I in fact step out of intercourse or just what it ~ methods to myself ~, i believe just what seems actually the answer to me personally about sex now and exactly what gets me off most is actually generating a place and facilitating another person’s experience in becoming truly prone and experience intensive things, like sexual climaxes or intensive sensory things or becoming in some vulnerable headspace associated with bottoming. But I do not obviously have a desire to be in that susceptible room myself or feel plenty of rigorous situations (about on an actual physical amount). A lot of my hottest sex is identified giving rigorous encounters for other people, therefore seems actually hot and good to me to type of take charge of a sexual experience such that it’s feasible for the other person to make the journey to that spot, if that is reasonable.

But In Addition a covering for this would be that I would say We Haven’t got completely vanilla intercourse for…. years now? And so there’s perhaps always some degree of intentional energy vibrant or kink powerful around that, and that I cannot truly know simply how much of a change that renders! I’d want to notice applying for grants that from other folks!


That surely is sensible! I am curious to know from you or anybody else which identifies as a top the manner in which you determined that which was okay? I assume I feel this stress or indisputable fact that intimate trauma or dysphoria or good ol’ fashion emotional wall space are the reasons to need target doing to versus being done to and so are what to work through. But possibly those things can be the explanation and therefore doesn’t mean they should be overcome? Never to instantly bring the discussion to a potentially dark colored place, but I guess I feel a particular shame or something like that while I enjoy topping. Like I wonder if there’s this whole other world i possibly could additionally appreciate or would enjoy more if I only worked through my personal shit like some kind of base FOMO. But perhaps that isn’t correct? Perhaps the crap I want to sort out is simply preconceived notions as to what sex is supposed to imply. Really curious everybody’s feelings!


Haha I wish I realized! I became only considering similar, “i ought to actually come back and qualify this by discussing that We experienced a soul-crushing divorce and overall individual crucible and it’s truly impossible to state whether this will be some immutable trait of my own or like an evident shortage when it comes to being able to engage authentically with susceptability.”

But perchance you’re proper and it also doesn’t matter? Or even the difference between “real desire for Good Reasons” and “fake desire for the Wrong Reasons” isn’t really actual, more specifically.


I usually understood that i needed to get the the majority of control in every sexual scenario; it is whenever I believed happiest and most turned-on. I needed are one to address, begin plus — I wasn’t aware was going to coincide with a certain sexual title until later.

In my finally commitment it began beside me topping then again switched more to bottoming. We look about it and consider because I found myself the woman very first wlw commitment, I wanted their to feel secure in her own queerness and I also felt that giving her more control sexually was actually one good way to accomplish that. Whenever that commitment finished we knew i possibly could are finding better and improved ways to promote the girl versus sacrificing my sexual determine, although it absolutely was still gratifying.

Having said that, we determine as a Femme Top Leaning change – these days light throughout the change, and I also believe my personal quest in learning the thing I identify as it is over. Inside my most recent relaxed affairs (wow We appear to be a young 90s life time motion picture) i am top throughout except one and it all felt comfortable and dope.


Occasionally we discuss my personal very early intimate record like, “well I was thinking I found myself a high and turns out…,” and even though that’s not specifically genuine because there was not that particular power vibrant current, I happened to be often the individual doing a lot of things to associates’ bodies. I additionally don’t know We appreciated penetration, do not get removed from hands-on stimulation, and have never ever liked obtaining oral as a result of an early on intimate assault, so me performing things to others merely made more sense compared to reverse. But and even though there weren’t direct power dynamics like we now associate with kink, there are usually energy imbalances inside the other individual’s support – they were more knowledgeable, or they certainly were 10 years more mature – and that I eroticized the crap of that.

I quickly had my first genuine bottoming encounters also it decided a complete globe opened. The concept of anything else again thought inconceivable.

I found myself a submissive in a lifestyle kink vibrant that started as truest commitment i have previously skilled and rapidly became excessively muddled with genuine power imbalances and mechanisms of control in manners that I believed happened to be so apparent they went without claiming and which that ex wouldn’t, i believe, understand existed. Giving out power is only hot — for all — if you have capacity to share. Circumstances would not work right or i might see inconsistencies or lies and believe, “Well basically provide more power and then we agree with protocols with this then that may fix everything!” Which is why i acquired my separation and divorce reports to my 30th birthday celebration.

In that relationship, that has been D/s seriously featuring get older play, I became just a little lady. The end of that powerful left me personally besides perhaps not feeling safe getting bit more, and maybe not experiencing safe becoming a lady anymore even while I transformed “hard femme” around 10. With many distance, it is much easier to observe that I had gender emotions well before we ever before met that ex and this ex had nothing to perform at all with me figuring it (a different one did nonetheless cannot need the screen time), but the circumstance performed leave myself experiencing alienated through the kink identification which had believed many genuine.

At the moment we read Rachel’s reaction that begins “In my opinion immediately this means the majority of concretely that I believe beloved and thinking about ‘doing to’ my gender partners as opposed to having any such thing done to myself,” together with an instant of, “hold off am we a premier???” Because that’s precisely me now. I do not wish to or feel secure becoming particularly susceptible with individuals most of the time, and while i am aware and have rehearse with empowered bottoming, I really don’t feel interested in it or even in subspace today. However. I additionally desire partners to make use of my own body like a fucktoy only for all of them. Really don’t want to be prone, and that I don’t want my human body particularly involved with something we’re performing, but within whatever space they’ve developed as a top i’d like them to make use of me to fuck and beat the shit of all of them while making all of them cleanse their particular come-off my personal floor to their legs after ward.

We nonetheless want to get railed, but mostly I want to consider that alone time, you are aware?

Another little bit of all things are I also have another group of kinks that require a high skillset and expertise base to apply in a risk-aware type of means, and I also don’t have any doms within my life with those skills and knowledge, very particularly in quarantine they’re simply rather shelved.


Okay but Rachel we assented with so many items that you stated.

+ the point that the ID “leading” is at very first therefore scary, though it was actually something I found myself already carrying out.

+ I go along with taking pleasure in generating an area for all the individual i am with to feel, end up being directed, discover and really get-off is a significant consider me personally moving away from. Become usually the one in command of having them to that place is rewarding.

The folks I happened to be fucking pre-covid though performed that for me also it forced me to change for her and I also believe it thought so excellent to base because I didn’t need certainly to “teach” her such a thing and it had been the very best intercourse I had.

I happened to be hella satisfied but my organic inclination to leading ended up being starting to arise nonetheless it was not some thing i needed related to their.


Wow tops you don’t need to show initial? What is that like lol

(kidding but also perhaps not)


Really, I am curious about the character that knowledge performs in every person’s identity or actions, either standalone or in accordance with a sexual companion. Shelli your story about bottoming to a person who was in a first wlw relationship really was fascinating if you ask me, because frequently narratives will be the contrary


I became amazed but the dynamic was actually instant. I kinda fought your control but then ceased. It was great plus in that second inside my life the things I wanted/needed intimately but I additionally felt my natural wants beginning to rise so that it might have been time for a discussion. Thinking back as well, I truthfully do not even think she knew I identified as a high.


Carolyn i’m so interested that that resonates obtainable in terms of bottoming – this is so that useful to me because In my opinion in a lot of my personal experiences its exercised in a way that individuals bottoming for me personally provides undoubtedly already been embodied by all of them like, allowing myself access to their body, but of course that isn’t a necessity or what bottoming inherently “is”! I might want to hear more about exactly what bottoming might check or feel for you with regards to doesn’t invariably include becoming susceptible or having your human body end up being ‘done to’ if you should be ready to accept making reference to it.

I believe when it comes to experience like, i am considering exactly what Shelli you’re claiming about not having to instruct someone (lol) additionally about generating a place; I think it had been in retrospect an actual video game changer in my experience to learn that like ‘technique’ or ‘how’ to screw some body or get some body off had not been actually the crucial ability for topping somebody really, and a lot of of these modifications one individual to another in any event; the skill that i truly required most are a great very top was actually that kind of relational ability of producing some body feel secure but also making it obvious to you both you are in control  — additionally setting up area for them to carry out or feel or perhaps be in a prone, uninhibited method. And therefore that skill had been some thing I already had experience with and actually practice in most part of living currently (like even modifying, lmao). So as soon as I connected a lot more thereupon and leaned involved with it more, “experience” per se don’t feel as essential, and topping thought a lot more comfortable and all-natural and those that bottomed if you ask me responded to it so totally. And that I guess that’s also the component for my situation that feels as though it bridges “vanilla” intercourse and kink – is when i’m bringing that kind of relational posture into the encounter, that’s what allows the energy powerful develop, no matter what “kind of intercourse we are having.”


Yes! I 100% trust you, Rachel. For me personally, topping is all about curating a sexual experience. “Technique” has its location, but energy characteristics, words and producing space for vulnerability are incredibly a whole lot more important when you are obtaining some one off.

My initial intimate dreams (and soon after, my first intimate encounters) involved me personally topping. Maybe this had something to carry out from the direct females we dated as a new individual. Perhaps I Happened To Be #bornthisway?

These days we describe me as a “top-leaning switch.” In my situation, that implies: 1. We regularly enjoy offering satisfaction, 2. i love getting delight from particular people in specific scenarios and 3. I’m able to finest from {a place|a location|a

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